I had to get it out!!
Wednesday, May 04, 2016 - Posted by Neha Jha - 0 comments
Not everyone can show their feelings in the most expressive manner. At most one or two feelings can be expressed. The most commonly expressed emotion would be anger and frustration. Or hate. The darker ones in the world of feelings. All my life I have believed that there was only good in people and I have seen that good in most of the things too. It lead to a fair share of disappointments, because I learnt that most of the people don't have a heart like my own.

So one day I decide to become a realist and take fact for fact and not think with so much optimism but take life and others as they could be. Accept that there are flaws in ME and everyone. I grew up. Then I use to think when I have accepted people with their flaws why do they want to change me? Why not accept me the way I am and make peace with it? I was constantly reminded of the few angry moments and arguments I had with them. I was TOLD to change my behavior because its unacceptable for a girl to fight for her respect in marriage. All you have to do is to listen to the husband and keep shut because that's what your husband wants.

He wants to have total control over you, your friends, family and life before marriage should not matter because he wants it like that. All you should do is forget they exist and only do his bidding. Think of him, his family and his friends too.. He wants you to learn new dishes everyday and prepare them only for him and his loved ones. No one from your past .. family or friends should ever even know that you have developed a skill. He would want you to dress in the way he likes, and wouldn't want you to even think of dressing the way you used to.. think the way he thinks.. which is "he rules you" you do not have a say about your own life.. BECAUSE he married to you.. making him the savior in your ruined life.. He came in your life when all were rejecting you.. Even if he was the only guy you met for the arranged marriage prospects..

I was also saved by my SAVIOR.. he came in my life to rule me. He came to a conclusion that no one, not even my parents love me because I am a "useless piece of human shit".. not worth loving.. BUT he being the savior type husband had willingly accepted the ruined person I was to love and live with. He constantly reminded me that since he has married a useless and worthless human, he should get the royal treatment. The respect and the service he demanded is fit for him as he is the KING of my petty world... He got all he wanted, I changed myself completely and so much so that I was not the person I really am.. My mother would exclaim "you have changed yourself 360 degree for him".. But that wasn't enough for my husband.. because the only thing I couldn't do was leave my family..

I could never leave my family. So he plotted against me. He started abusing my trust I had for him. He started lying about my relationship with him to everyone who he came across.. to people i knew.. even professionally.. He wanted to assassinate my character with all the lies he could conjure and I (THE STUPID ME) thought I could change his heart with my love and persistence.. With my service.. with fulfilling all his whims and fancies.. with not asking for his time, love and support anymore than I do ... The result..

He forced me out of his house.. told my parents to take me with them and keep me.. made my illness a huge issue.. didn't want me to enter my own house.. When I needed support from all his family, the only thing i get to know is "you are now a separated wife.. behave like one and don't bother asking for any support".. all the love and respect i had for them.. all the love they showed for me flew out of the window in a second.. I was no longer a part of their family.. Maybe I was never a part of their family.. I was always an OUTSIDER who could be thrown out whenever they fancied.. Maybe I was never accepted.. even with the changes I made to be accepted by both my husband and his family..

I have never had any difficulty being who I am with anyone else in the world.. I have never had a bit of mystery as to how would I behave in a particular situation.. People who know me.. They know the REAL me... Zero pretense, no nonsense, least demanding, super satisfied with life and a happy person. I love laughing, being happy and cracking stupid jokes, and behaving stupid so that everyone around me laughs along..

Ashish Jha you changed me into a super sad, depressed and lonely person.. I am sorry I can no longer be what you want me to be.. I have to tell the world that you don't like happiness and light and optimism and you are so dark and depressed and sad within that no one can be happy around you.. I know how your heart functions and I know I wouldn't be able to prove this; but I do know what you are ...

You are poisonous and you clearly were going to kill me!!

Thank you for forcing me out of your life.. Now I can survive again and TRY to reverse my life..


WHY
Wednesday, April 20, 2016 - Posted by Neha Jha - 0 comments
What is the true meaning of any relationship?Why do we look for meanings in relationships? Here I have a friend who constantly supports my practical side of the brain, by saying out loud what I am going through in the day. Reminds me of the real world, and the difference between what I am thinking & what is real... And that dear friend is not even around me!! Long distance relationship...

Repeatedly I have been told relationships are nurtured by intimacy, closeness, being there for one another... How come all I have are long distance ones and I completely trust them all? Was I very close to them in physical sense? No. So what has changed in the relationship factors?.. Is DISTANCE a key parameter to help a relationship become healthy?

How do I explain my brain that this friendship I have is temporary when it actually feels so permanent. Missing the conversation when busy, leaves a huge void in the system. Do I relate to him because he is that good a person and friend and gives a perspective different than mine or do I feel safe in expressing myself BECAUSE he is far??

Isn't this the way a real relationship should work...?? real being .. in one place at the same time physically? Where you finish each others' sentences, know the look on the face, the emotion in the eyes, the unspoken words.. Like a mother knows her child..... Like when she knows her child needs the blanket in the middle of the night!!

I think now.. after an experience.. I know a relationship is supposed to bring you warmth, happiness, a coming to home feeling... like you belong there.. If this feeling isn't in the relationship, that one is to fail for sure!! So a relationship, if lacks in providing a cover in your coldest of hours, toughest of times and is completely unsupportive & destructive; should be taken out of your life, with a proper closure!

So when I chose to not explain anything I chose wrong. Now after the explanation, I feel I've achieved one simple thing in my life. PEACE!!

Maybe that was lacking in what I had for these many years. It never felt "at home".. it never felt "warm & happy". I wasn't at Peace.. At all!

And now since I have all of it I don't want to let it go. My PEACE is what I want in life, more than anything, even if that means I need to break the only person's heart I have ever truly loved!!

We are not mean to be!!   


Work In Progress
Monday, April 18, 2016 - Posted by Neha Jha - 0 comments
New.... New ideas, new ways, new everything. I want it all new, so that I get to be a new "ME". All this while I were a particular person... a person not of my liking honestly because it was for someone else. I had changed drastically and dramatically for a "SOMEONE" in particular.

The oldest me, the way I was before I changed is something I want to be now. Its not an easy transition, however, since I like that person a lot better than anything else that I can be, I want to change.

Its a Work In Progress.. I am a work in progress. I guess I will always be a work in progress. The road which constantly needs repairs. The one with so many potholes that by the time one is repaired another one appears mysteriously :P

Having called myself a work in progress, I am not a project for anyone to help. I know my flaws and have found peace in the knowledge that I will always have them. Improving upon them is what I will call a work in progress -- improving to become a better ME!! 

Example; I am highly emotional - read superlative of HIGH. Having an emotional thought process only gives me stress and headaches throughout any conversations in the world. I have trust issues now since the past year. I know not everyone is out there to hurt me; however, I have closed myself to all. I just don't want to lay my heart out!! But being THE highly emotional me, I do exactly the same and repeat everything.

I get hurt.. by the simplest of nonsense and then get happy high on the politest of the smile too. Great is the feeling of being happy, hurting on the other hand isn't that fun. It doesn't help. Call for action! NOW!! Interestingly I know I need to change, for no one else but me!! Emotions help art; but they destroy the Heart!!

I read this quote a long time ago "There is something about laying your heart out, just risking it all; its insane and stupid and painful and amazing."

So letting the guard down for the very first time in my entire existence...
Let's see how step ONE pans out!!
Work In Progress..


Being a Human today!!
Friday, April 15, 2016 - Posted by Neha Jha - 0 comments
Reading an article on the internet today gave me an idea to write. Thank you internet you are ever helpful. The article was about relationships and how the meaning of the same is lost in these times. I am no one to judge choices and make statements that a few lifestyles are right and others are wrong. I try not to be judgmental about most of the things in the world. However I do have opinions as to how I would like to be treated. Maybe I am choosing my OPTIONS :)

Relationships in general are complicated and more so when you have a mismatch in the priorities. Two people having the same values, roots and priorities in life make a strong relationship. People with multi-dimensional focus or lack of focus fall apart and harm their relationships. I am sure even they know, if not exactly then but later, that they ruined something they could have built upon forever.

Mostly, partners are taken for granted. A spouse thinks that their better half will be there forever with them even if they have not fulfilled certain key expectations of their spouses. Men and women alike overlook the itsy bitsy bits in the daily routine of the hectic lives they lead. When demanded an answer most of the times the hectic work schedule is to be blamed. I wonder when was there ever a time when people weren't busy living their lives? The 40's 60's WHEN?? 

I agree times have changed on the professional front and everyone has a lot to do.. But I still don't know how can they not find time for their love? This sure means that whatever is the love of today's world it isn't being in a relationship. So does it mean that, the basic idea of a human has now changed from a SOCIAL being to just a BEING?? Getting the tasks done or doing it themselves just so that the PRECIOUS life would be easy and after their retirement??

What about the person beside you who wants to hold you now? Wants to tell you how important you are to them? What if the person you are trying to be with in future gets adjusted to your absence today? Knows now that you are unavailable for being held, loved and even sharing the life you promised each other? What if the person who you want to be with in future leaves you claiming that they can't take your absence anymore now?

Who is at fault? 

Food for thought for the next write up :)


Rewriting life
Wednesday, April 13, 2016 - Posted by Neha Jha - 0 comments
You need to have a reason for everything.. At least that's how people portray their actions logically. What they fail to understand is that you do not need a reason. That reason is to make yourself acceptable to the society. That society which is a farce.. No one knows where it originated but the idea of getting an approval from the so called moral police, the society, the boundaries that we choose to live in; is farce.

Farce because you do not know if the rules and regulations your are bound to follow are right or not. Where is it written that there has to be a reason for all your actions. Those who break the rules and choose a different path to tread on, are called rebels, antisocial elements and maybe even criminals. 

What happens when these elements who think differently take over the society? Is there a reform? Or a rebellion? Or plain crime? What happens when these criminal elements have thought leadership and they have followers in the same society which was binding them? What happens to the society then? The rules and regulations it made? Do they stay the same? Or change? Or simply vanish in thin air.. POOF!!

Reasons for your actions are worthy only if they change History? What if I want to change my past? Do I get to be reasonable then? Or do I get the name "Rebel"?? Do I have to explain myself to the lot about what I did and WHY I did what I have done? Do I even get a chance to not want to explain myself? Not give a REASON for being who I am?? 

I want to be the way I am now!!!!

REASON being, I am less complicated. I don't lie to those who I love. I love myself and so I want to put a stop to the way I was sometime back. It was demeaning and was clearly killing me slowly and gradually.. IS this REASON enough to start over?


Do I need a better reason to start over??